Tuesday, May 17, 2016

HU'S SEEDED FIRST?

In honor of the Li Na being named Ambassador of the tournament in Wuhan this week, the following is an adaptation of Abbott and Costello's classic comedy routine "Who's On First", with Roger and Rafa discussing a hypothetical impending trip to Beijing.

Roger: Well, Rafa, I'm going to Beijing with you.

Rafa: That's a shame.

Roger:  It's okay, I'm not playing, but Mercedes asked me to promote some of the Asian players in the qualifiers.

Rafa:  Bueno Roger, if you are doing promotion of Asian players, you must know all the names.

Roger: I certainly do.

Rafa:  Well, I never meet those guy, so you tell me the names, and then I know who is in the draw.

Roger:  Oh, I'll tell you their names, Rafa, but strange as it may seem, the Asians have some very different names.

Rafa:  Funny names?

Roger:  Short names, confusing names....

Rafa: Like Long Duc Dong?

Roger: Long Duc Dong.

Rafa: Fu Man Chu?

Roger: Fu Man Chu.

Rafa:  And his "primo gordito"?

Roger: Chubby cousin?

Rafa: Chow Hi Fat?

Roger:  Chow Hi Fat! Oh, I see...well, let's see.  In the qualifying draw we have, "Hu" seeded 1st, "Yu" seeded 2nd, "Ngo" 3rd seed, "Mi" 4th seed.....

Rafa:  Roger - this is what I want to know.

Roger:  I said, "Hu" seeded 1st, "Yu" seeded 2nd, "Ngo" 3rd seed, "Mi" 4th seed...

Rafa: Roger...you are coming to Beijing?

Roger: Yes.

Rafa:  You are promoting the Asians?

Roger: Yes.

Rafa:  But, you don't know their names?

Roger: I certainly should.

Rafa: Then who's seeded 1st?

Roger: Yes.

Rafa:  I mean the #1 seed.

Roger: Hu.

Rafa: The #1 seed!

Roger: Hu!

Rafa: The top seed!

Roger:  Hu is the top seed!

Rafa:  Who?!

Roger:  That's the man's name!

Rafa: That's who's name?

Roger: Yes.

Rafa:  You don't want to tell me?

Roger:  I'm telling you his name!

Rafa: Who's name?

Roger: Yes.

...pause....

Rafa:  Roger, did you read the draw sheet?

Roger:  Of course I read the draw sheet.

Rafa:  Then what's the first name in the draw?

Roger: The first name in the draw is Hu.

Rafa: I'm asking YOU the first name in the draw.

Roger: Yu is the last name in the draw - the 2nd seed is always at the bottom.

Rafa: Who's the last man in the draw?

Roger: Ah-ah...he's the first.

Rafa:  No, no, no...

Roger: Oh, he's the 3rd seed.

Rafa:  Que?

Roger:  The 3rd seed: Ngo.

Rafa: No - no the 3rd seed.

Roger:  Yes he is.

Rafa:  Who is?

Roger:  Ah-ah...he's the top seed.

...pause...

Rafa:    All I want to know is the first man on the draw sheet.

Roger: Hu is.

Rafa:  Why you are asking me?

Roger: Mi?  I'm not asking Mi, I'm telling you.

Rafa:  You are telling me?

Roger:  Why would I tell Mi?  Mi is in the bottom half of the draw.

Rafa:  You are in who's half of the draw?

Roger:  I'm not playing, I'm just doing promos.

Rafa:   Espera, espera...why would Roger Federer, be in the qualifiers?

Roger: I'm not in the qualifiers.

Rafa: Then who's seeded 1st?

Roger: That's right.

Rafa: Vale...

Roger: Okay...

....pause...

Rafa:  Venga, Roger - forget the top 2 seeds...forget them - what about the 3rd seed?

Roger: What about him?

Rafa:  Who is seeded 3rd?

Roger:  Why do you insist on making Hu the 3rd seed?

Rafa:  No, no, no.

Roger: Right!

Rafa:  Roger...the name of the 3rd seed, no?

Roger:  That's it.

Rafa:  What's it?

Roger:  The name of the 3rd seed.

Rafa: No, no, no...

Roger:  That's right!

Rafa:  I don't even know what I'm talking about!  Dios mio....what about the 2nd seed?

Roger:  The second seed is Yu!

Rafa:  I am in the qualies?

Roger:  Why the hell would Rafa Nadal be in the qualies?

Rafa:  Is what I'm asking YOU!

Roger:  Go ahead and ask him, but I'm sure he doesn't know.

Rafa:  Who doesn't know?

Roger: Him either.

Rafa: This is unbelievable, no?

Roger:  Ngo? He's seeded 3rd.

Rafa:  Bueno, bueno...let's talk about the 3rd seed and don't change the subject!

Roger: The 3rd seed?  Ngo.

Rafa:  Yes, the 3rd seed.

Roger:  Ngo!

Rafa:  You don't want to tell me the 3rd seed?

Roger: I told you already!

Rafa: No?

Roger:  That's right.

Rafa:  Que "right"?

Roger:  The 3rd seed's name - Ngo.

Rafa:  Why you don't want to tell me who's the 3rd seed?

Roger:  Now listen, Hu is not the 3rd seed...

Rafa:  I break your balls if you tell me who's the #1 seed!

Roger: Take it easy chico...I told you their names are confusing.

Rafa: Seguro!  I hope the other Asian names aren't so complicated.

...pause...

Roger:  The other Asians - like that Vietnamese player they just signed?

Rafa: When?

Roger:  That's right Nguyen.

Rafa: I don't know when.

Roger:  Neither do I, but it's a good thing they signed him, because the 1st Vietnamese player withdrew with an injury.

Rafa:  Somebody dropped out of the draw?  Since when?

Roger: He's still in the draw:  another Vietnamese player withdrew, that's why they signed him.

Rafa:  They signed who?

Roger: Not Hu; Nguyen.

Rafa:  Since when they signed who?

Roger:  They're both still in the draw!  I'm talking about the other Vietnamese player.

Rafa:  They signed another Vietnamese player?

Roger:  Yes!

Rafa:  When?

Roger:  Exactly!

....pause...

Rafa: Por Dios - dame paciencia...Roger!  If you don't give me a straight answer....(shaking his hand)

Roger:  Mi wants a straight answer?  All he has to do is ask.

Rafa:  Whoever he is, If he asks you, he never get a straight answer.

Roger:  Sure he will, he's in the qualies too.

Rafa:  Who's in the qualies?

Roger:  Yes, him too.

Rafa:   Wait a minute...Roger...you are telling me that the name of the #1 seed is Hu?

Roger:  For the last 10 minutes, yes...

Rafa:  And the 2nd seed is Yu?

Roger:  I told you, I'm not in the tournament - I'm just doing promos.

Rafa:  No, no, no

Roger:  He's...

Rafa: ...the 3rd seed, I got it, I got it.

Roger:  Perfect - now you can do some promo work too.

Rafa:  I guess...by the way, did you see the PR guy anywhere?

Roger:  Yes, he's Sum Yung Gi.

Rafa:  Si, they start in the business very early;  but do you know him?

Roger:  Yes, of course:  he's Sum Yung Gi

Rafa:  We established that!  But I want to know:  have you seen him today?

Roger:  Yes!  Didn't you meet him earlier?

Rafa: No?  I never met him.

Roger: I haven't either, but I hear he's a hell of a player, that's why they seeded him 3rd.

Rafa:  I'm talking about the PR guy?  Do you know him?

Roger:  Yes, he's Sum Yung Gi.

Rafa:  Claro, he's young!  Is professional tennis - nothing but young guys around here!

Roger:  Yeah, I guess that is a common name in Beijing.

Rafa:  What is the common name?

Roger:  SUM...YUNG...GI!

Rafa:  Basta con este mierda!  I go to see the women's draw.

Roger: Okay, okay......Shi's all over that one...

Rafa proceeds to slap Roger silly as they exit stage left...
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